Making Difficult Decisions

From time to time, we are all faced with a difficult decision that seems impossible to make. Often, it feels like a ‘lose-lose’ situation and we get stuck hoping that something will change, and a ‘win’ option will appear. But it doesn’t… 

At a certain point, no decision becomes a decision and even then, sometimes we can’t accept the outcome. For example, the decision to leave an unhealthy relationship, to choose a different career path, or to stop or start fertility treatments. Each of these decisions involves at least two realities. One, that we will experience uncertainty. And, two, that there will be a loss. 

For a while, we will all try to postpone making a decision in an effort to avoid the emotional turmoil that comes with facing uncertainty and loss. Avoid it for too long, however, and essentially, we are making the decision to accept what is. 

How do we move past feeling stuck and move forward when faced with a difficult decision? Here are some strategies:

1.     Seek out inspiration; not advice. 

Only you know what is best for you. This is your life journey, and nobody has the answers about how your life will turn out. When we’re faced with a difficult decision, it is natural to want to take that weight off our shoulders and put it onto someone else. But the truth is, until we make the decision for ourselves, we will never feel completely settled. Worse yet, taking advice from others can create resentment down the road if the situation doesn’t turn out the way we hoped. 

On the other hand, there’s a good possibility that someone else has been in your shoes before. They’ve made the decision and experienced the outcome. Seeking out inspiration from those who have had to overcome a difficult situation and learned from the experience might just give you the insight to know which option is best for you. Great sources of inspiration might be family or friends, podcast interviews, motivational books, or even movies. Inspiration can come from anywhere at any moment. Be open and actively seek it out.

2.     Process your emotions about the potential loss(es). 

The reason we get stuck when faced with a difficult decision is because we don’t want to face the difficult emotions that come with making the decision. To choose one option, typically means giving up another. Depending on what’s at stake, we might feel like there is no possible way to move forward. 

Once we allow ourselves to face those emotions (anger, sadness, fear, anxiety, grief) and process the loss, we can gain clarity about the decision and the outcome feels a little more bearable. Consider journaling or talking with a trusted person about these emotions. What are you most afraid of (sad/angry/anxious about)? What will that outcome look like? What will you do to cope with it? What positives (if any) could you possibly take away from it?

3.     Explore every possible option (even the bad ones).

Sometimes our fears block our view. When we’re in the midst of a difficult situation and are faced with a decision that will lead to a loss, our mind perceives the situation as an emotional threat, and we get tunnel vision; all we can see is the thing we fear the most. We then go into the fight, flight or freeze response, in this case, resistance, avoidance and indecision.   

This automatic response doesn’t allow us to see the other infinite number of possibilities. Forcing yourself to explore every possible option, no matter how bad or unlikely it may seem, helps our mind to overcome tunnel vision and develop more creative or acceptable solutions. Sometimes, we are even able to see that the ‘bad’ isn’t all bad or isn’t as bad as we thought. 

4.     Trust your intuition.

I can’t say it enough… You, and ONLY you, know what is best for you and your life. Somewhere deep inside of us we all have a sense of knowing what is right and what is wrong. It isn’t necessarily the same for everyone. Your intuition is your internal guide that tells you to follow a certain path even if it doesn’t make sense. Or, to change course if something just isn’t quite right. Ignoring your intuition will only lead to more inner turmoil. 

Sit quietly and ask your intuition about each possible option. “Should I take this job offer?” “Should I stay in this relationship?” “Should I stop fertility treatments?” And, “Should I stay in my current position?” “Should I leave this relationship?” “Should I take the next step in fertility treatments?” Pay close attention to the thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations you experience when you ask each question. Those responses are your intuition guiding you toward your answer.

5.     Let go of the outcome

Finally, and this is the hardest task of all, let go of the outcome. Letting go of the outcome of your decision is both essential and the most challenging thing we will all have to do. Anxiety and fear stems from wanting to control the outcome and, at the same time, feeling a loss of control. We ask ourselves, “What if I make the wrong choice?” “What if it doesn’t work out?” “What if the worst-case scenario comes true?”

All we can ever do is make the best possible choice we can with the information we have in the moment. None of us can predict the future or the outcome of any decision although we all wish we could. It helps to remember a time when a situation turned out better than you expected. Or, a situation in which you really wanted a specific outcome that you didn’t get and later realized turned out for the better. 

We’ve all had those moments where we desperately wanted a specific outcome. Fortunately, we don’t always get what we want. In some of those cases, the thing we thought we wanted isn’t what we would choose now with the new information that we have. This thought exercise can help us to trust our best judgement, let go of the outcome, and focus on the things we can control, rather than the things we can’t. 

I’ll leave you with this last thought, some wise words from a wise woman, to give you a bit of inspiration and help you take that first step toward making a difficult decision.

“Don’t ever make decisions based on fear. Make decisions based on hope and possibility. Make decisions based on what should happen, not what shouldn’t.” - Michelle Obama