New Year, True You

I believe that we all have a purpose; a reason that we are here on this earth. I’m not talking about a job or even a career. I’m talking about a deeper purpose that is meant to help us evolve as humans. We all have some unique purpose that brought us to this exact time and place. I also believe that not everyone will fulfill their purpose. I’ll explain why in just a moment. 

First, I want to talk about our “true self.” I say this a lot in therapy. That we are “aligning with our true self.” I think we all have a general sense of knowing about who we truly are. We have an instinct or a gut feeling about what that means and when we are not aligned with it. But I want to dig into this concept a little further. 

What does it actually mean to be your true self? It is the core of who you are. It is the essence of your being. It is who you would be if everything physical or material was completely stripped away. It is who you were at birth before you were ever exposed to the world around you. Before you experienced any loss, danger, or trauma. It is who you were before your life was shaped into what it is today by inter-personal and societal pressures. To be your true self, is to be the person you would be if you let go of all those external influences. 

The reason so many of us become disconnected from our true self is because we don’t grow up in a vacuum. What I mean is, from the moment we are born we begin having experiences and interactions with the people and the world around us that will, over time, begin to mold us into who we are today, for better and for worse. The challenge with this is, by the time we’re old enough to begin forming long-term memories (at about age 3 or 4), we have already encountered so many external influences and experiences that we no longer remember who we truly are.  

By the time we are old enough to begin making our own choices in adolescence, we’re already headed down a path that may or may not be aligned with our true self.

It is typically not until adulthood that we begin to question our earlier life experiences. We start to wonder how we got here. Why we aren’t happy. What is the purpose of our lives? And, where we’re headed. We’ve forgotten who we are, and we have to unlearn everything we have been socialized to believe about ourselves and how we fit into the world in order to see the truth. 

Remember, your true self is the essence of who you are if everything else was stripped away. That means that it is always there. By the time we become an adult, it is buried under countless labels, titles, and stories that we use, and others use, to define our identity. None of those labels, titles, or stories, truly describe who we really are. Yet, we attach ourselves to those identities so deeply that if we lose them, we experience a crisis. 

For example, if I believe that who I am is 'Dallis, the Psychologist' and tomorrow I am no longer able to practice psychology, then I will be left feeling that I am nothing. Yet, my instincts will tell me that I have a purpose. The conflict between these two beliefs--that I have a purpose and that I am nothing--is what creates a crisis of identity. The reality is, my purpose has nothing to do with my title. It is the core of who I am, no matter what label I put on myself.

Labels are limiting but our potential is limitless.

We as human beings, naturally compare ourselves to the people around us. We use these comparisons to evaluate where we fit in the bigger picture and label ourselves based on these comparisons.  No matter what conclusion we come to, when we compare ourselves to others, we will be wrong. 

We’re all on our own unique journey with a unique purpose and path to achieving it. There is no singular path. When we compare and label ourselves, we are effectively putting a ceiling on our growth. We can’t grow past what we believe are our limits. An acquaintance of mine once said, “Nobody accidentally wins the race.” What he meant was that if you don’t believe you can do something, it won’t happen by accident. It is the people who put in the work and believe they can that will win. 

In becoming your true self, you must let go of your limiting beliefs and challenge yourself to see your limitless potential. Of course, this is far more difficult to do than to say. That is the work. We all have to peel away our long-held beliefs and perceptions to see what’s left. That can be scary, but it can also be magic. 

There are many great examples of people who are doing the work to align more fully with their true self. I recently watched the documentary series, ‘Kevin Hart: Don’t F*ck This Up,’ on Netflix. I loved this documentary for a number of reasons. One being that Kevin reveals some of his darkest life experiences from his childhood to his adulthood and demonstrates clearly how these experiences can shape who you become, pulling you away from your true self or pulling you closer. It is rare that we get to see such honesty and humility about our human mistakes in such a public way. Kevin shows us that we are more than our worst mistake and we don’t need to be perfect. 

This documentary and Kevin’s vulnerability give us the gift of seeing what is possible when we strip away the external influences. I believe that Kevin has captured moments of his true self as he continues to uncover it. By sharing this process with the world, he will inspire so many others to do the same. He is fulfilling his purpose.  

As we welcome in a new year and a new decade, I hope you will take the time to ask yourself these questions: Who am I at my core? Why am I here? What is my purpose? That you will have the courage to challenge your limitations and the stillness to hear the answers. 

Cheers to the New Year, and the true you!